Meeting Prophets and Other Great People

A Sunday School lesson last week got me thinking, perhaps particularly as it followed my sharing one of my stories only a week or two before. Since I didn't share my thoughts in that Sunday School class, and I have some thought-exploring to do on the subject, I thought I'd write in here.

I was just about to start with the first story of shaking hands and speaking to one, but I think I'll back track a bit. Since some might count such as memorable/noteworthy, I'll begin further back when I was first in the same room as a prophet. This would be Ezra Taft Benson when I was a teenager. He came to Fort Collins for a regional conference. My family and I were in the nosebleed section, but I did see him, and there did seem to be something special when he came in the room, but perhaps not quite as extraordinary as I'd been led to expect from the excitement of the adults at church. It was still a good experience. I love Pres. Benson. He said a lot of things during his time as prophet that greatly impacted my life in good ways, particularly his encouragement to read and study the Book of Mormon. But these talks were from general meetings that I either watched on the TV or at a church building. I don't remember what he said in Fort Collins.

We also had a handful of general authorities come to stake and regional conferences when I was growing up, I'm sure. The only one I really remember was Jacob De Jager who was a funny, clever Dutch man. I remember he talked about one of his first callings, perhaps the first, to pass out hymn books before sacrament meeting and how important that calling was. He also shared a lot about Jacob 6 in the Book of Mormon--"O be wise. What can I say more?"

When I went to BYU being in the same room as a prophet greatly lessened in rarity as we had firesides just about every month with either one of the First Presidency or Quorum of Twelve speaking. Occasionally it would be another authority, but quite often it was one of them. And if it was less than I remember, that would be because there were also frequent visits to our Tuesday morning devotionals by general authorities. I almost wrote lessened in significance, but that would be wrong. These events were highly significant to my growing testimony. I don't remember everything they said, but there are several talks that really hit a chord for me, answering prayers and questions that I had at the time. For example, I remember Pres. Hinckley talking about having a positive attitude and being optimistic at a time when I was struggling with depression. I remember Elder Oaks talking about what it means to judge people, defining it crisply and clearly. I remember Elder Scott looking into the cameras in such a way that he seemed to be looking right at me (from discussions with my peers after, I know many had this same impression), talking about God's love, about keeping a journal, about scripture study. And of course, there were plenty of talks about the importance of dating and marrying well.

As one of the firesides I attended was one given by Pres. Howard W. Hunter. This was while Pres. Benson was still the president of the church but was so ill, it was expected he would die soon and Pres. Hunter would become the president soon. This was the fireside at which a crazy man stormed the podium with a bomb threat (turned out, as we learned later, it was just a briefcase of books), trying to get Pres. Hunter to read his message instead of the one he'd planned. Pres. Hunter refused. The auditorium was first filled with tension, surprise and tears of worry, but it was soon taken over by the spirit as angels began to sing and the audience picked up on it, singing hymns. I don't remember what the hymns were, but it was either I am a Child of God or We Thank Thee O God for a Prophet--or perhaps both. I just remember the Spirit. When the situation was handled and the bomb-man evacuated, Pres. Hunter picked up and talked eloquently about handling adversity--so perfect.

One might think these experiences of hearing these great men speak would be sufficient to secure my testimony. And it probably was, but I was still blessed again.

While I was at BYU, I worked at the Special Education Seminary as a janitor, then an editor and miscellaneous helper, and then as secretary. This godsend of a job brought me a few other opportunities. One was a special CES fireside--not the big ones they've had since, just a relatively small one for employees in a regular chapel. At this time, Pres. Henry B. Eyring was the Church's Commissioner of Education, and he was the keynote speaker. So being at this fireside, I got to hear him speak in a relatively small room compared to those I'd experienced thus far with general authorities. Of course, at the time, he wasn't a prophet, but I do remember being very moved and impressed by the Spirit from his talk.

The second opportunity the employment provided was the opportunity to meet Pres. Boyd K. Packer. (Elder at the time) One of the teachers at the seminary was Pres. Packer's grandson, John, a very humble and sweet young man. Of course once I found out he was single and a prophet's grandson, my interest piqued a bit more, but to no avail. He soon was dating and then marrying another one of the teachers, Jody, a sweet girl. I did, however, receive an invitation to their reception, which was in either in the grandson's parents' or in Pres. Packer's backyard. (I don't remember). I do, however, remember very well that I drove up to Salt Lake with one of my friends from the seminary, a teacher who also happened to be my next-door neighbor, Wendy McNair. We were both a bit intimidated, but we mustered the courage to go over to the corner of the lawn where we could see Pres. Packer standing so that we could talk to him and shake his hand. He was very polite and kind. That's what I remember of the meeting itself, but more importantly, I remember that from that point all the way back to Provo--so an hour or so, I felt the Spirit so strongly, it was amazing. Nothing else could explain the feeling of peace, love, and light that I felt on that drive home. It couldn't be confused with being in love with anyone--there were no eligible men there that I remember. It was just amazing, one of the best short experiences of my life.

A couple years later as I was preparing for my mission, Satan worked pretty hard on me with feelings of depression, discouragement, and doubt. I can't say that I looked back on that meeting to push me through. I don't remember that, at least. But I pushed forward, got myself into the MTC in spite of it all, and even in the midst of it. That is, the MTC, too, had its challenges.

Once again, I was in an environment with fairly frequent visits from general authorities. I don't remember much about what they said or who all came other than one. Pres. Hunter signed my mission call, but since he didn't live long once called, Pres. Hinckley had become the president of the Church while I was waiting to enter the MTC.  And yes, he came to visit us. Being a popular prophet, there was a lot of buzz and excitement surrounding his visit. But my district was a little more blessed than some in that not only did we get to hear him speak --in the same room for those to whom that is significant--but it also so happened that we were out front when he was leaving the premises, so, along with a fairly large handful of other missionaries who were out, we gathered round to shake his hand.

If you know me, you might know that I'm not a fan of crowds. Too many people is overwhelming to me. But it wasn't until years later that I realized this was part of my personality. I was just down and struggling with my mood and so many things. In the hubbub, I pushed my hand through to shake the prophet's hand, which he obliged, but somewhat reluctantly as, I suppose, it probably seemed to him a disembodied hand--he couldn't tell whose it was. I stayed standing there afterward though, perhaps a bit dumbstruck or not sure what to do with myself. I'm not sure. As the crowd thinned a bit, he looked into my eyes but didn't say anything. I thought he was probably wondering why my hand wasn't extended, too, or perhaps he was wondering if mine was the disembodied hand. I don't know. But it was a very awkward moment. I didn't feel the Spirit at the time let alone for an hour afterward. I just felt very foolish.

I believe that some others in that crowd, though, did have the experience I'd had with Pres. Packer a couple years prior as there was quite the buzz in our classroom for what felt like days afterward with the elders in my district nearly squealing with excitement about shaking the prophet's hand. Their giddiness made me smile, but inwardly the shame continued. And in fact, more than 22 years later, yes, last week in Sunday School, when the question came up about meeting a prophet, this experience resounded in my head. Why didn't I feel the Spirit when I shook not just a prophet but THE prophet's hand? Was it because I was a bad missionary? because I wasn't supposed to be on a mission? Or something else?

Well, I don't know how to define "bad" missionary. I certainly wasn't perfect, but I wasn't going out of my way to break rules or commandments purposely either. And I'd had a handful of experiences and blessings to confirm I was supposed to be on a mission. So that leaves something else. Then what? Here is where my thought-exploring comes in.

1. Obviously not everyone has an overwhelming experience of the Spirit whenever they meet a prophet or even the prophet, president. If that were the case, there would be tons more people joining the Church. This understanding is helpful, I think for a lot of people--so they don't judge others or themselves.

2. The prophet isn't Jesus. He's His mouthpiece, true, but the prophet is still a mortal man. Perhaps Pres. Hinckley wasn't exuding the Spirit as much at that time, like perhaps he'd had a bad day.

3. Perhaps I wasn't as pure of a vessel as I'd been 2 years before. Back then, my purpose was not to shake Pres. Packer's hand so I could go back home and tell everyone about it. Of course, it's not that I wanted to do that with Pres. Hinckley either, but perhaps I was fighting against the idea of joining the crowd. I couldn't be seen not shaking his hand, but I wasn't anxious to go shouting out that I'd shaken the prophet's hand either. And where's the middle ground? I don't know---I might tend to get all kinds of confusing feelings when there are crowds, too many people. So, maybe it was just a personality thing.

4. Perhaps it was an experience to confirm the Spirit I'd felt when I shook Pres. Packer's hand--affirming that those feelings were not something I could generate on my own. That is, if ever I would want to feel the Spirit after doing something, wouldn't it be when shaking THE prophet's hand? But I couldn't make myself feel it, so when I felt it before with Pres. Packer, it wasn't because I was making myself, because I wanted to feel that way.

There are probably other reasons to consider that I haven't come up with, but I think this is a good start if not conclusive. I think I wanted to share this in Sunday School, but, as you can see, it's a bit complex for a simple comment. Nonetheless, I do hope people understand some of the principles, particularly in light of the questions that led to this pondering in Sunday School. Who are the noble and great ones? What does it feel like to meet one?

Some other commenters in class, I believe, helped with this too by pointing out that the noble and great ones are not just the prophets and apostles. Those who hear the voice of the Lord and follow it, who don't harden their hearts, are the noble and great ones. That could be you. I hope it's me. They are women and men and children, Blacks, Whites, Yellows, and everything in between. They are nursery leaders and maintenance workers, as well as leaders and teachers. God needs all of us.

I'm grateful to live in a time when prophets are once again on the earth, when the fulness of the gospel has been restored, and I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is Jesus's true church on the earth. I am so grateful for his leaders, their worthiness and ability to help me understand God's will. I'm also grateful for my callings, my friends, my family members, and all the people God uses to touch my life. In Jesus' name, amen.

Murmuring, Complaining, and Puss

Last week I had this little sore on my inner thigh acting up—it's been coming and going a lot over the past couple years. And then, I also have had this mouth thing going on. To explain, a few weeks ago I had a tooth extracted because it was seriously infected and then this week I got the temporary bridge put in, but it's still kind of been hurting. 

With such physical wounds, the temptation is to squeeze all of the puss out. With the thigh, I could do that to some extent, but not with the tooth, which got to be a bit frustrating. This might, though, have led me to think about what really does get infections out. See the fact is that although it does help to squeeze puss out sometimes, one should only do so in a sterile and safe environment, not around other people that could get sick or without cleansing agents to prevent reinfecting or spreading the wound.  But more than that, the greater remedy comes from taking an antibiotic.

So, other than the direct reason, why is it important to understand how to get rid of infections? Well, it can make for a nice analogy, that's why.  Having infections on the brain led me to think about the times when I feel like I have a spiritual infection, just pain in my heart and my soul.  When one has spiritual wounds, it’s very tempting to “vent” as we like to call it these days—just shout out all of the things we hate about our lives and the world and our problems--complaining, basically. But doing this is like squeezing out the puss in an unsafe environment, and so it can end up getting a lot of other people sick, and spread the infection more deeply in ourselves. Along the same lines, I like the quote by Neal Maxwell from his October 1989 conference address, "Murmur Not": "Letting off steam always produces more heat than light." (He has a number of other good things to say in that talk, too.)

Instead of venting or letting off steam, what should we do, then?  We need a spiritual antibiotic. We need to apply the atoning blood of Jesus Christ to heal the wound. Jesus is the antibiotic who heals all wounds. Sometimes it takes a while for the wound to heal, and we might need to clean out the puss, dead skin, etc., from time to time, but we need to do so in a sterile environment, like through prayer, or in a journal that is just between us and the Savior.  And then we also have to clean it, with other things the Lord has provided to help us use His Atonement, like prayer (again), the scriptures, hymns, church attendance, temple attendance, serving others, etc.--all of the Sunday School answers.

You might be saying that this is all well and good, but sometimes your wounds are too large and you really need to talk about them. I don't disagree. I don't think the commandment not to murmur is the same thing as saying don't talk about your problems. Solutions to big problems would never come if we didn't talk about them. It's just the attitude, the complaining, that is the problem. And, admittedly, some bigger sicknesses, like some big sicknesses of the world, while they still require the Savior’s atonement, in those cases, Jesus might need to be a stronger drug than an antibiotic, more like a hospital. Perhaps that might go along with the analogy others have made that the Church is a hospital.

So, since having this analogy come to mind, I’ve started thinking of people when they are venting as having "puss mouth," (just in my head). It's helped me to see them more clearly as being sick. But also, thinking about it now, the analogy can go further. If someone is cleaning out a pussy wound in front of you, what do you do? Well, since most of us learned as children that this isn't healthy, our instinct has come to be to walk away (though many still like to keep in visual range). This isn't a bad idea--to stay away, that is. But sometimes we have to be there. Many doctors have to be in hospitals to help people heal. But what do they do before treating people? They do what they can to immunize themselves--washing their hands, wearing gloves and masks, etc. Likewise, if we know we have to encounter a hostile situation beforehand, we can read the scriptures and pray both before and after. 

Curiously enough, I had such a situation this week. A situation where I knew I'd be facing a person the following day that I was fairly certain would not be happy with the things I had to say, as this person hadn't been happy with the things I'd said the day before that caused us to need to meet. But I prayed fervently the night before and the morning of, and things went okay. Yes, it was a very sad situation. The person was very hostile--full of puss mouth--but the Lord helped me to know what to say to help heal this person. The healing wasn't immediate, but I did actually receive an apology a couple days later. I feel very blessed to have had that experience to better help me as it is likely to happen again. (It tends to come with the territory of teaching a required Gen. Ed course at the college level. Tensions run high.) 

Now, the fact is that I'm human, and it did affect me still, and I can't say that I'll be perfect from now on avoiding complaining or venting, etc. But with the Lord's help, I know I can become better each time. In Jesus' name, I hope.

The Latest Scoop

It doesn't sound like that creative a title, I know. But, it fits, actually, since I've been eating a bit of scoops--of fat free frozen yogurt that is. And why? might you ask. Because, well, because of a number of things. It's kind of a long story, but today marked a significant point in the progression of things, so I feel a greater liberty to discuss the story now, though of course, it is still in progress.

So, you might remember reading a little while ago about my supposition about having a yeast allergy. And if I would have written earlier I would have said, "woops, I was wrong." I went to an allergist and they told me that no, I was not allergic to yeast. They thought I had Gerd--basically, acid reflux. They suggested that I take Prevacid, and so I did, even though the diagnosis didn't seem to completely jive and the medicine packaging said only to take it if you were having heart burn three or more times a week, which I wasn't, at the time. I wouldn't even have called it heartburn, just a feeling like I had a hard time breathing when I ate bread, and a few times when I ate rotisserie chicken. Not other chicken, just rotisserie chicken. And I eat rotisserie chicken so seldom because it's expensive, that I'd forgotten about it until I was at the allergist. Anyway, all very curious, I know. I did have some other symptoms, too, but I'll spare you those for now.

I had had some heartburn, quite a bit, actually, last summer, when I had bought some ultra lactase instead of the regular kind for my lactose intolerance. And the heartburn only came after taking a prescription that I've been taking every day for the past six years. (Well, minus a few months to be totally honest, when I tried going off of it but discovered that wasn't a good idea.) In any case, I thought that was just a bad chemical reaction or something. When I went back to regular lactase, or only took half an ultra, the heartburn went away.

Anyway, so I took the Prevacid, and within a few days of taking it, it seemed that wasn't such a smart decision. I got sicker than I had been before, with light headedness and stronger shortness of breath, and even more tired, if you can believe that. So I stopped and called the GI reference my doctor had given me and started to keep a food journal.

Well, not along after that, I did start getting heartburn again, and not related to any lactase-taking. And I started getting some other symptoms in the lower digestive tract, or they got significantly worse I should say, the details of which I'll spare you. I also had a recurrent sore throat, and headaches and stuff, too. Really, it was quite messy. So I became quite glad that I had made that GI appointment.

However, it was still a couple weeks to wait, and then, even at the appointment, the GI doctor wasn't able to give a definitive diagnosis, though he thought it sounded like Gerd, too. He also thought I might have another cyst, and suggested I see my gynecologist. But in the meantime, he scheduled an endoscopy for me, because it was quite clear there were digestive problems regardless of any cyst presence.

(Fortunately, I was able to see my gynecologist two days after my appointment with the GI, and she confirmed that I do not have another cyst. She also did not think it likely that my digestive symptoms were related to my endometriosis. So, at least that was cleared up.)

But the wait for an answer was still on, and the appointment for the endoscopy was first scheduled for the 29th of June, which was frightfully long to wait. Fortunately, they told me I could call on Monday to see if there were any cancellations. And when I called, there was one--for the 15th, then a little over a week later. But now, today!

Drumroll, are you ready? It's kind of yucky, so you can go away now if you want. The diagnosis based on the EGD is that I have two small ulcers in my stomach and eosinophilic esophagitis. Lovely, huh?  They also took biopsies, so I suppose there might be more later, but let's hope this is all.

What are these things? you're asking. Or maybe not. Ulcers, well, you know what those are. They're kind of scary sounding to me, though. I have been doing quite a bit of internet searching to find out what might be wrong and to figure out how to eat and all that. And the thought of an ulcer had occurred to me, and I remember even searching with trepidation, hoping that would not be the case. Why? I don't know. I guess it's one of those horrible words you grow up hearing in books and TV and whatnot, so I'm preconditioned not to like the sound of it. But in reality, how is it really worse than something I hadn't heard of as a kid? Like eosinophilic esophagitis? That one should probably be a bit scarier. Well, I don't know which is scarier.

But this ee thing, what is that? I was in a bit of a semi-conscious state when the doctor told me after the procedure, so I did a little research, and it turns out it's an inflamed esophagus, an auto-immune disease, and caused by an unknown allergen. It's also related to Candida, or yeast allergy. So you see, I wasn't crazy! It's not exactly the same thing as a yeast allergy, so maybe, I'm hoping, I can eventually eat yeasted things again. But we'll see. It's also related to Gerd, so acid reflux is a symptom.

Which brings me to the point that, fortunately, the treatment for both ulcers and ee is about the same. Soft and  mild foods for awhile, take Prilosec, related to Prevacid, so I'm really hoping I have a better reaction, and discontinue NSAIDs.

Yes, I can't take ibuprofen any more. That was probably worse than hearing I had those abominable ulcers. No more ibuprofen? How can I manage? Maybe some of you are die hard anti-pill people and you don't think that's a big deal. But you probably don't have endometriosis and arthritis (only diagnosed in my foot, not my hands, fortunately, though it does make exercise kind of painful). If you do, please share your secrets, because this is really killing me. For both of those diagnoses, both doctors' suggestion was Advil, as many other doctors have suggested for various other pains I've run across in my life. Doctors seem to like to tell you to take Advil. But now I have one telling me to stop, and for a very good reason. I don't want any more ulcers, and I want these to go away.

I'm not addicted to ibuprofen. I have actually gone weeks without taking it. And I even try to postpone taking it at times, even when I have pain, just to keep myself from overdoing it because I know it can cause stomach problems. But there are also periods of time when I have to take a good dose every day for a stretch. I've tried other painkillers. I had a very bad reaction to aspirin, and Aleve made me bloat something awful. Not that those matter. I can't take those any more either. I actually use topical analgesics, like sports cremes, pretty regularly, and they work okay. Not great, and nothing for headaches but they help a bit.  But Tylenol, the recommended alternative, or acetaminophen, has just never worked as well for me. And so if it doesn't work as well, will I be tempted to take more than I should and then have some other bad reaction to that?

Well, I irritate myself with too much negativity, and indeed there are some very positive things. But I needed to express those concerns in order to know how to turn them around, rather than being forced to ignore the negatives. I don't think that's helpful either.

So, for positive things:
1. The blessing I received comes back to comfort me that I'll be able to handle the changes in my life.
2. My family is very supportive and have been praying for me.
3. Supportive roommates, and much thanks to them for being willing to help me out so much.
4. Supportive friends at Church--and much thanks to Karen, the RS president for so cheerfully picking me up even though she wasn't familiar with the area, and for Marissa who was willing to.

5. I have only been working part-time, so I've been able to come home and rest, as I've needed to. 

And my supervisor at work has been supportive, even having some experience with Gerd--her husband, that is. And he actually doesn't take Prilosec, recommended by his first doctor, but instead found another doctor who's more homeopathic, like acupuncture. So that's actually a thought. I worry it might be kind of expensive, though, but maybe I'll try it. 

6. And of course, the list goes on and on. Somehow things will work out, with God's abundant mercy.

Food Allergies

So you might have noticed I haven't blogged for awhile. Yeah, I know. You thought I liked to write, too.
But the truth is that sometimes I don't. That is, sometimes I feel I haven't got anything to say, and sometimes I think nobody's listening anyway. And sometimes I think if I write it down, then I'll have less to talk about when I have chances to talk to people, and since I'm not very talkative, having things to talk about is always nice.

But lately, I've mostly been tired. I mean, I play my point and click games, but putting fingers to the keyboard to write something meaningful has felt like too much. Especially with this laptop with a broken hinge that I can't put on my lap very easily, making my fingers have to stretch a bit more.

So why have I been tired, and have I really been that tired? Well, yes, I have. But the good news is that I think I'm figuring out why and things should look up soon. See, I think I'm figuring out that I'm allergic to yeast. And when a person is allergic to yeast and they eat things with yeast or refined sugar in them, then one of the symptoms is that they get very tired. And since just about everything worth tasting has refined sugar in it, so it seems, I've been pretty lethargic. But then, cutting out those things can be tiring too, because what's left? Fruits and vegetables, which aren't really as filling as I'd like, especially when you can't put things on them that have refined sugar in them, and so I'm hungry and tired.

Actually, I'm exaggerating a little bit. I have found some other things I can eat, but I've also not completely cut out some things as I should because I have a limited budget and would like to eat what I have. There's also the experimentation with different things in narrowing it down to what I am allergic to and what yeast is really in--which turns out to be more than you'd think, like cheese, soy sauce, tomato sauce, peanuts, mushrooms. And I actually think there are more things than just yeast that I might be allergic to, but I'm not sure exactly what they are yet. I do get to see an allergist this week, though, so I should have a better idea pretty soon.

And I had a priesthood blessing today which helped to lift my spirits more. Actually, I should point out that with my many prayers, my spirits have been doing better gradually. But the blessing was great. There was a case of interesting timing involved in this too, because I was asked to sub in the primary and that in itself was an answer to prayers because though I hate to admit it publicly (but here I go anyway:), I'm a little burnt out on R.S. and Sunday School at the moment. I'm sure it will pass. But I really do love children and miss being around them.

So anyway, the lesson I was to teach today happened to be about healing the sick. I got the link to it last night, and since earlier in the day or maybe the day before, I'd been contemplating sickness and Jesus's point of view on them, it made me a little choked up to open the lesson to see that's what I was to teach. It seemed to be a confirmation of what I'd been thinking. I needed a blessing. I felt some minor reservation because I'd just had a father's blessing when I was at home at Easter, but it wasn't a healing blessing, and because of not only the fatigue but other symptoms as well, it seemed like that was what I needed, and it did feel wonderful and give me some needed encouragement. I mean, hey--I'm writing now, putting fingers to this awkward keyboard, so that's something already!

Living Prophets

Last week I taught Relief Society, Lesson #16 in the Joseph Smith manual, and the lesson went pretty well. I didn't have time to cover everything, which quite often happens, but we had a good discussion with the material we did cover.

It was a good lesson for me particularly to give for a few reasons. (I think the Lord does that on purpose.) But one of those reasons has been on my mind both from when I first read the lesson to now a week later--well longer really, but I'll get to that.

The title of the lesson was Revelation and the Living Prophet, and so of course it dealt with modern revelation. It's a great thing. I'm so glad to live during a time when the fullness of the gospel is on the Earth so I can benefit from living prophets. I've tried following their counsel for many, many years.

In fact, I think I've addressed one of these before, at the time Pres. Hinckley passed away. That is, when Pres. Benson was the prophet, he asked us to read the Book of Mormon every day. And so, with very few exceptions, I have been doing that for many, many years. And then in 2000, I remember reading in the R.S./Priesthood manual of that time--(I think it was Joseph F. Smith), that the prophet of focus, encouraged the saints to read from all of the scriptures every day--Bible, Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants. I'll confess I haven't done it every day, but at least a few times a week, I try to read from the other books in the canon. And I love the scriptures more, I think, from becoming familiar with them in this way.

So, you're wondering, where am I going with this? It is good just to bear my testimony, I guess, but there's another point.

In the lesson is this quote that I actually heard some time when I was at BYU from a returned missionary, maybe he was my home teacher, I don't remember. I don't even remember who it was, just that it was an RM. Anyway, we were talking about daily scripture study and he said that he reads general conference talks every day and not from the other scriptures (I don't recall if it was ever or not as much), because of this quote. (Though I'm sure he paraphrased it and didn't have the source, so I've long wondered what the actually quote was--nice to have these manuals now!)

"Brother Brigham took the stand, and he took the Bible, and laid it down; he took the Book of Mormon, and laid it down; and he took the Book of Doctrine and Covenants, and laid it down before him, and he said: ‘There is the written word of God to us, concerning the work of God from the beginning of the world, almost, to our day. And now,’ said he, ‘when compared with the [living] oracles those books are nothing to me; those books do not convey the word of God direct to us now, as do the words of a Prophet or a man bearing the Holy Priesthood in our day and generation. I would rather have the living oracles than all the writing in the books.’"

At the time, it struck me a little funny because I felt like a contradiction. The prophet had told me (us--everyone) to read the Book of Mormon every day, so that's what I was doing, and now this guy was insinuating that I should instead just be reading conference talks every day.

Well, as indicated already, I didn't stop reading the BoM every day because of that, but the conversation has stuck with me and even in teaching the quote in Relief Society last week, I've wondered how I'm supposed to address it, both in the lesson and in my life. What is its significance?

First, I think it's important to recognize that the gospel doesn't ever change. Last Saturday night, before giving the lesson, I ran through the most recent conference addresses just to verify my supposition, which was confirmed--that every single talk, with the exception of Pres. Monson's concluding remarks, incorporated verses from the ancient canon. And even in Pres. Monson's concluding remarks, although verses were not included, the principles he touched on could have been referenced to other scriptures easily enough.

So I came up with a few analogies, hoping to understand. The first I thought of was it's like the difference between canned fruit and fresh fruit. It's the same thing, but one is a little better for you--coming more recently from the vine. But that's not the whole sense of it. I also thought of it being like a snowball vs. a snowman. There are snowballs in the snowman but there's a lot more there and it's applied to your current situation. That's another aspect of it, but still not the whole sense. And then I thought it's like if you could only shop from one store for a whole year, would you shop at a store with vintage clothing or would you shop at Super Wal-Mart where you can get your clothes and food and a variety of other needed items as well? Well of course, you'd take the latter. Even if you don't particularly like Wal-Mart. But that's not the point. I think all of these analogies have some relevance, and of course, no analogy is ever complete and you can always take one too far and it loses its validity.

But I think the last was most helpful for me. The fact is that we're not limited to one store per year. But that's kind of the point Brigham Young was making. "I would rather have"--is a conditional clause. That means that there's an "if" attached to it, even if not uttered. And it seems natural to assume that the "if" here would be "if I had to choose between one and the other." And he also indicates why--because we need the words of the prophet's today for our today's need. But how can he say this and at the same time have a prophet say we need to read the Book of Mormon every day? Because the principles are all the same, and the living prophets are going to be very familiar with the ancient prophets, so for us to have a better understanding of what the living prophets are telling us, we need to understand how the Lord worked yesterday. It helps us understand how He works today and love Him more.

So in the end, who was right? Me or the RM? Well, actually neither one of us. We both should have been reading both the conference addresses and the Book of Mormon. And so, well, I've tried at various times in the past to do better at reading conference talks, but it hasn't stuck like it should. So that was another reason I needed this lesson, to bring that back to me. I've been reading them again this week, and it's been great with every talk I've read. So much amazing stuff! How blessed I am to have these words in my life. I know they're from the Lord, and I write these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Same Sunday School

This morning I slept in and missed the Roanoke 1st ward meetings, which start at 9:00. I guess it's fortunate in a way not to be living near my home ward while I'm in school because it really does mess up my sleeping schedule. I went to the Salem ward at 11:30 without guilty feelings, well not too bad. I did feel bad when the girl I give rides to showed up at 8:45 and I woke up to her knocking. Fortunately she was fine with going at 11:30 too.

Curiously, although the two wards are in the same stake, the Salem ward is a week behind on their Sunday School lesson. So we got the same lesson we had last week. But of course this was fine. It always is, somehow. This teacher didn't cover some of the topics that were covered last week and covered some that weren't. But even in the cases when the same topic was covered, there was a different light that opened in my mind, and such that pertained to my life at the moment. Fascinating how the study of the scriptures can do that, isn't it?

One of those things that pertains to my life at this time actually came up again later this evening when I was talking with my little brother on the phone. I moaned about the possibilities of having to deal with "people's certain freedoms" as pertains to their writing. Maybe I said "freeness" I don't remember. But I was getting at the nuisance that their being too free and easy with their language and situations.

My brother reminded me that people died so we could have those freedoms in this country, and my response was that I just wish they didn't have to subject me to their freedoms. Interestingly this reminded me of the subject of the people in Ammonihah that Alma and Amulek taught who were burned for their beliefs. This was one of the subjects taught both weeks. Why did the Lord allow them to be burned? Because He had to allow the wicked to exercise their free agency.

For some reason, I hadn't put the two together that that might be simply a good enough reason that I have to endure reading through people's profane and blasphemous use of language--and that I feel bad not because I'm being condemned for reading it and need to stop them from doing it, but because sin really does make other people feel bad. That's why it's sin. But God can't take away their agency.

On the other hand, I also know that sometimes people sin--act contrary to the will of God--because they don't know better. And so I don't think it's entirely out of place to let people know they are hurting you. Alma and Amulek did tell the wicked people beforehand that they were being wicked--and some of them even repented--those who were burned, unfortunately. Not everything has a happy earth-life ending. But there does come a certain point when you just have to say like Jacob in another part of the Book of Mormon--well, rearranging the tense effectually--that he's saying or said the things he said to remove the blood from his cloak and once his job is done, it's done--the blood isn't on his cloak any more, and he has to let them do what they'll do.

Though I do feel some kind of torture at times for my religious beliefs--not just putting up with profanity (there's actually more to this story than I'm telling here, so you don't think I'm exaggerating something that doesn't seem like persecution to you, though even if there weren't more--it still is painful to read God's name taken so brutally so often, as well as the other words. I really HATE it--as long as I'm digressing I'll just mention this funny thing I thought of today while I was talking with my new LDS friend that I take to Church. We were both complaining about people's bad language and other use in things we have to read, and she mentioned the offense someone took to her decision not to read their script, and I said, "How funny that the first offender is offended when you told him he was successful--Profanity is meant to offend, and he did it. She laughed. I thought it was funny, too, not to pat my own back. I might have heard from someone else once). Anyway, so as I was listing the persecutions, which isn't entirely unrighteous. In the D&C there's a section where the Lord commands the people to list the offenses. And so, I'll say, it also terribly rankles me when people insinuate that I'm not a Christian because I'm Mormon, and when people make me feel like I'm too goody-goody--they know other Mormons who wouldn't be bothered, or they're Mormons and they're not bothered. I hate that too. And then there's others who think I'm not goody-goody enough. And granted, I'm not perfect in these areas either, so it's helpful to write them out and become mindful of my own bad judgment habits.

In any case, what I was really getting to in this is that it's all really nothing, absolutely NOTHING, compared to the things many others have suffered, such as the martyrs in Alma and Amulek's time, or the early Saints, as I just mentioned who were commanded to write their grievances. I've never been physically beaten or killed for my beliefs. And in fact, I'm very grateful for the Church and the good it does for me. I can't even tell you how nice it felt today to be in Church, among fellow Saints, even if I didn't know them very well. I'm very blessed for the knowledge I do have of my Savior and of the gospel He has re-established on the Earth today through Joseph Smith. What tremendous blessings to have temples on the Earth now, to be able to take the sacrament every week, to have a loving family. Life really is pretty good for me.

Other Conference Thoughts, Elder Scott

For as long as I remember, Elder Scott has been known for his piercing gaze--the way he looks through the teleprompters right into your eyes--no, not the audience's, yours. He knows you and loves you and has a message for you. He has a nice steady and compassionate voice, too, that makes those sometimes pills easier to swallow. For that, his choice to talk about abuse and address it both to the abused and the abuser seemed interesting, and I think he did it very well.

The sad difference this time though seemed that he's aging and his eyes are dimming. He still did his best, and even turned completely away from the teleprompters at one point, looking off to his right to talk to the audience, someone in the audience over there. It was a powerful moment, but interesting because it didn't seem to have the same impact of feeling that he was talking directly to me, which was fine since I don't think I was implicated in what he was saying. But in essence, it still had the same effect. He knew the person he was talking to, loved them, and had a message for them.

Changes in Presidents of the Church

Changes in the position of the president of the Church haven't generally been easy for me. When I was growing up and in primary, the prophet was Pres. Kimball. I loved the song where we sang all the latter-day prophets and though I don't know that I knew much about what he taught, I knew I loved Pres. Kimball. As I've gotten older, I have become more aware of his teachings and I still love him.

President Kimball died when I was 12 or 13, however, so I had to learn to accept a new prophet. Though I'd been made aware of the procedures of the change when a prophet died, and I even knew President Benson would be the next prophet because I learned a few years earlier that he was the senior apostle and all that (and quite proud to know that, too, I'll add) well, it was still kind of hard to adjust to the change. Before long, I learned to love President Benson too. I remember when I was a young woman the balloon thing and his challenge for us to read the Book of Mormon. That influenced and continues to influence me and my testimony in very positive ways--I still read the Book of Mormon every day. And throughout my adolescence I continued to learn more from his teachings and have been blessed for following them. I love President Benson.

When President Benson passed away I was in my 20s, attending BYU, and I was much more aware of the whole process of things at that point. I even knew ALL of the twelve apostles by name, not just the senior apostle, Pres. Hunter. Perhaps because of that, I learned to love Pres. Hunter before he became the prophet, if only from watching him maintain his calm and handle the situation with Cody Judy at the CES fireside at BYU some short time before Pres. Benson died. I felt the Spirit in that meeting testifying he was a prophet and would be a great president. And indeed, that transition wasn't as hard for me. But Pres. Hunter didn't live long after that, less than a year. Still, during that time he taught some great things and I have kept my temple recommend with me and up-to-date partly because of his teachings about the temple. I love President Hunter.

Of course I was familiar with President Hinckley since he had been around in leadership for so long. I also remember talks that he gave at BYU, and he had touched me with his talks about optimism during a time when I really needed that. But for some reason, it still took me a little while to warm up to him as the prophet. But of course it happened, as it always has. There are so many things I love about President Hinckley now.

But now, some 14 years later, now in my 30s, I'm experiencing the change again. Interestingly, I had been anticipating President Monson for quite awhile, probably not as early as when Pres. Kimball was prophet, but at least by my 20s when I learned how young he was. There was no question in my mind that he would be the prophet some day. And so I've spent several conferences listening to him trying to imagine him as the president of the church, perhaps trying to warm myself early this time. Yet for some reason, although they were fine and good and great and all that for the first counselor, none of his talks before really struck me as what I expected from THE prophet.

So, when President Hinckley did pass away, even as much as I loved President Monson before, I'll confess it's felt a little weird to adjust to him in this new role. But I've had a lot of mixed emotions during all of the funeral proceedings and news and whatnot about President Hinckley, feeling also that there was too much attention paid to him as a man and perhaps to the diminishment of other great men and not acknowledging the mantle as much as they should have. I think that's just the nature of the media and natural proceedings when a great man passes away.

Yesterday, during the solemn assembly, I was grateful for the Spirit I felt sustaining me and confirming to me the Lord's will in the changes. But as I watched conference all day yesterday I still noticed how much I missed having President Hinckley around, conducting one or two of the sessions and ending sessions with a few of his remarks, his unique and wonderful sense of humor and his great attitude. His simple presence. I really missed him.

However, I also had a wonderful experience when the first session ended this morning. When President Monson spoke, I could feel the positive feelings and acceptance of him as the President, and see or feel the mantle of prophet on him. It was a good feeling, something I hadn't imagined and can't describe, but there was a definite difference between his talk and those he's been giving for the many, many years before now. It was nice, too, then, in the afternoon session when Elder Holland began his remarks to make note of that feeling in himself and his indication that many others had felt it too. What a blessing the Lord has given us all to adjust to change, to be able to see and feel that difference! He knows change is hard, not just on me but on a lot of people! Even another apostle. And we need those manifestations. And of course, it's also a testimony that there really is something different, very special and true about having a prophet, a spokesman for the Lord on the Earth today. I love President Monson. But most importantly, I love the Lord Jesus Christ, the head of the Church.